welcome-world-hands

Welcome to Eternal Scoreboard.

Many people have wondered about the name. Here’s its story.

In life you are constantly in competition whether you realize it or not. You are constantly being weighed and judged by everyone. The scoreboard its eternal, there is always someone out there looking to size you up. A few years ago I took a look at MY scoreboard, and decided to wipe it clean. I wiped off all the labels, and decided to start over.

At the end of the day, NO BODY gets to decide if I made the cut. Only I have that power, and I’m not going to give it away. My perception of myself is constantly evolving, as are the labels that I attach to myself.

I have always struggled with self-perception. Today I am at the highest weight I’ve ever been, slightly over 300lbs. I am unhappy with how I look, and how I feel. I am almost 36 years old. I’ve been sober for 11 years on November 1st. I have 3 biological children and a couple of bonus kids running around. I’m a single parent. I’ve been married twice. I’m divorced from the first husband, and I’ve been separated for 5 years from the second one. Shortly after my husband and I separated, I came out as a lesbian. And then a year later I felt that pansexual was probably closer to my truth.

Something I’ve never much talked about is gender, which is a whole OTHER ball game then sexuality. Here’s the thing. I’ve always hated being a girl. ALWAYS. For as long as I can remember, I was jealous of the boys, because I wanted to be a boy. Then as I’ve gotten older and gave birth to my children, I’ve learned to like my female body. I’ve learned that despite me occasionally (or sometimes even often) wishing I had male genitalia, I also wouldn’t want to GIVE UP my female parts. Then I learned about non-binary people. People who maybe don’t fit in EITHER the male OR the female category. I’m still learning, and still trying to figure out where I fit, or if I really even WANT to fit. If someone presses me for where I’m at RIGHT NOW, I identify as genderqueer.

So current lables that fit me are:

Parent, Genderqueer, Pansexual, Sober, HUMAN.

 

 

Enjoy your stay.

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